It's been exactly 14 days since we last talked. As another week comes to an end and with no sigh of him thinking about me in any way- no email, blog entries, sms's...etc I am developing a sick feeling. What if when next week comes, when all his exams are over he still won't talk to or contact me. What if this silence if infact not due to his exams like I would like to think, but due to his complete utter disgust with me? It literately hurts to think about that. I miss him so much. I can't lose him, I dont know what I'll do. I know I don't deserve him, but still it would hurt, and it's only him that I love. no one that i've met even comes close to how caring he is. I love how he's always thinking about me and willing to help me. I miss cooking with him, eating out with him, watching movies with him, taking walks with him. I miss our comfortable silence, I miss how we can find interesting things to talk about. I miss how when I'm sad he would make everything better. I miss his unpervertedness, his fathergreeness. I miss his french, his arabic, his german. I just miss his voice in general. I miss how he catches me when I trip due to my clumsiness and how that makes me want to pretend to be more clumsy so he can catch me. I miss how he kisses me infront of all his friends without shame. I miss holding hands with him. I miss that smile that he gives me that makes it seem like I'm the only one in the world, the one that makes the rest of the world fade away. I miss how he thinks everything I do is cute, the way he smiles at me when he thinks that and calls me "idiot." I miss how he can make me smile my most unreserved and unpretentious smile like there's no one else in the world. I miss how he always makes me feel pretty when I'm around him. I miss his ears. I miss his scar on his eyebrow. I miss his big eyes and long eyelashes- like a deer. I miss his sell- of his deodorant and aftershave that he always uses. I miss running up to him and giving him a hug whenever I see him. I miss the feeling how I just want to show him off to the whole world- how I can just kiss and hug him infront of everyone and anyone without shame. I miss his cooking. I miss his bad music, the way he sings to his bad music. I miss his closet, how it's such a great hiding place. I miss his hands. I miss being his girlfriend. ....................

it seems like habibi is not the only one visiting my blog. There seem to be other regulars. It scares me in a way for I have been brutally honest with all my uncreened, uncensored, unprocessed thoughts. The first thing that comes to mind is what if I know these people? what if they judge me? Even though this is not my blog, it's not the real me... it's only part of who I am, a small part. This is about what I think in moments of emotional intensity, during my extreme highs and lows. I use this as I way to untangle my thoughts to myself in my moments of irrationality, loneliness and unsocialness. I guess there's nothing really that I can do. It doesn't matter if these visitor are strangers, or if they know me really well in person, however I do not like to be missjudged and laughed at by "half friends." I think many times we don't even know ourselves, and I prefer to be judged by my actions rather than words, for words are too weak to build a personality with.

On a different subject... ... no I don't want to say it anymore... I've said it too many times. good night, good morning.









Actually, I still want to say it... for my own benefit.
I love you and miss you a lot - to the one the doesn't need to be named.
I feel better now that I've let it out :) even it if goes "unheard"

It's now the wee hours of sunday morning, when I would usually be talking to habibi... I wonder how he is. There is a saying in Chinese- ÿ·ê¼Ñ½Ú±¶Ë¼Ç× meaning that we miss our family ten folds as much during holidays. I guess it's kind of like that, every saturday was kinda like a holiday for me, and this one because I don't get to talk to him, I miss him way more than usual.

I wonder if he misses me as well. I would like to believe so, even if it's not the case, I would like to believe that he loves me and thinks about me as much as I think about him. I hope that he at least does really well on his exams during these weeks of silence. at least something good will come out of it.

Today suddenly a though crossed my mind... I've always been sure that at the end of his midterms he will talk to me again... that is oe or two weeks from now. It's something I've just assumed. I wanted it to be him to be the less stubborn one this time. I feel like it's always me giving in. I still remember his promise to me... in the dim light of his room that last night that we spent together... we were both lying in bed... crying... dreading the inevitable parting that's to come. I knew that it was going to be hard, and do to my insecurity, imaturity, stubborness I would pick fights with him... get upset apparently without explanation, get confused and do stupid things... (like even wanting to break up), I remember telling him that I would never mean those things... of course I don't do these on purpose just to cause him pain. I asked him to forgive me and understand and even when I accidentally do things to hurt him, things that are un-understandable and unfair that he'll understand and pull me through, guide me and see through my girlish imaturity. I hope he remembers. That meant a lot to me. That promise. I hope he doesn't forget. ...it suddenly occured to me, what if he doesn't remember that, what if he doesn't ever attempt to talk to me again? what if his life goes on as always and this doesn't affect him? What if he decides that he's fed up with me and I'm not worth the trouble? What if he falls out of love with me and sees all my faults and despises me for them? I have so many faults, but he just didn't seems to mind them because he loves me... but loin des yeux, loin du coeur..

Let's give in three weeks... till him exams are done. I hope he does well :)
I keep this line open... I fight back all inclinations towards just masking everything in chinese. I want to hope and believe that this if not futile...

she smiled and held her head up high. Shooting fire arrows from her eyes, she said, "listen carefully, this is how a heart  breaks!"

Today something my friend did further confirmed my cynicism towards love and relationships. Birget, my german friend that I like a lot. One of the people I am attracted to here (of course I don't act on it, look but don't touch is what I go by). She is the cutest girl one can ever meet. At first you might think nothing of her, for she's not pretty, but once you talk to her, you'll fall in love with her. She's always smiling, and always seems like she's having the time of her life. She's so cute, from the way she finds the simplest thing funny as she whispers it in your ears like it's a delicious secret. The way she gets so easily excited. She's so easy to talk to, she way she clings on to your arm like you are the best of friends is adorable. Just everything about her, her boyish girliness, her easy going-ness is iresistible. She only understand 70% of the things I say... for the rest she just giggles like I am the funniest person ever... it makes me laugh too. Her english is not that good so she would start saying something... then realize that it doesn't really make sense, and then start laughing.

She has had a boyfriend for the last 5 years, and obviously he loves her a lot since he came all the way to Singapore from germany to visit her. I believe that they both love each other... it takes love to agree to stay together in a long distance relationship, it's not a everyday decision easily made. She's so cool, I love hanging out with her, I always have a good time hanging with her, and I am always happy to see her... and a little nervous... :| She's the type of girl that acts single, like me. We go around flirting with all the guys, for fun, but I think she always gets the upper hand ;) I don't mind, my policy is look but don't touch, the guys I can flirt with are usually guys I wouldn't really date anyways.

Today my other friend Francois from france revealed to me that he liked her (which I rightfully suspected). He was trying to ask me whether she had a bf. I wanted to stab him. The whole time I thought that he had no chance with her... she only flirts with him for fun...but later he revealed that they made out after clubbing yesterday. I feel so disgusted with birget, him and love. I can't believe that she would do something like that... after being in a relatioinship for 5 years! so shortly after his visit and her anniversary! I feel dissapointed with this world, and could it be, that there's no such thing as unconditional love and complete faithfulness? It suddenly makes me reflect upon my own relatioinship of only 1 year... compared to their 5 years. It makes us feel vulnerable...

Humans... we are disgusting, we say we love each other, then turn our heads to kiss someone else while still holding onto the other person's hand.

By contrast, I talked to Sarah and Ricardo online lately. They are both still together with their other half. It's so tough for Sarah and Philip, they only see each other once a week, sarah dances, has a full course load and works. They've been together for 14 months. Ricardo and Vanessa have been together for 3 years now, and they are still crazy about each other. When they told me that, it made me want to cry from gladness. I'm glad to see evidence that true love and long lasting relationships still exist. It's a beautiful thing.

Something Ricardo said to me, really made me understand... for the way I act at least...

He told me that when he was at McGill for exchange, whenever he talked to his gf, they would always fights.
It wasn't because they didn't love each other, or even doubted each other's faithfulness, it was just that is was so hard for them to talk to each other, so hard for them to live without each other, and when they finally did get a chance to talk to each other, all the frustration would come out, instead of the love.

I think I feel the same, it's so hard to live without nadir. I hope, now that I can put some words to this... he will understand a little more.


I know I've said some really mean things... I love him, I trust him, but I just miss him so much. We have so little time together and yet when we do get to talk, the time is always fleeting.

I wish I can take back some of the mean words that I said to him, I really didn't mean them. They weren't fair. It's a big sin, but we often find it so easy to be mean to those we love. All my childhood, for every screaming match my parents hand, after the sounds of smashing glass, the sobs choked back by my mom... I promised myself that I will always fight fairly, never to make personal attacks irrelevant to to argument... but I broke my own vow. it's not fair. But other than those, my concerns were valid, they went unaddressed.

I wonder... I wonder if those horrible things that I said deafened him to the other things I brought up. I wonder if it ruined our annivarsay for him, I wonder if he even picked up the package I sent him, even if he did, I wonder if he looked at the things inside with contempt as it was overshadowed by now mean I was. I wonder is he cast them aside like worthless garbage, I wonder if he threw them away. If he did, it was my fault.

When I got those things... It took me so much time... but I did it because I tought of his smile as he looked at those and it made me go on through the sweltering heat, asking vender by venter for that radiohead t-shirt. I swear I have asked every vender in KL... when I finally found it after two days, it felt like christmas. I've never spend so much time on looking for anything before! And those puffed peas and dried jackfruit, after tasting deliciousness it took me 3 different singaporean supermarkets betore I found them. The crabs... I hope he doesn't eat them... they are disgustingly salty and are there only to scare him. The singaporean t-shirt... I scared 5 pedestrians and harrassed them by making them try on 3 diff t-shirts each to see if they'll fit Nadir. hehe... Sigh. But now, it's all gone to waste. He prolly hates them cuz he's mad at me and they are prolly forever attached to some bad memories that he shared with me :(

when I get back I want to shave Nadir's face for him. That seems like so much fun. I wish he'd let me, I will be super careful.

I want us to brush our teeth together in the bathroom... it's a nice thot... like we are family.

I want him to brush my hair. Learn how to get the tangles out gentily.

I want us to dance together to music on his computer in his appartment, just the two of us and the music.

How did it all begin? I remember it was when my friend Cristina passed away. It was a chilly afternoon, weather that calls for a light jacket. The air was cool enough for it to feel fresh and the leaves where turning yellow. It sun was distant and golden. My insides felt like jagged pieces of ice as I blindly stumpled towards home on Sherbrooke. I had just found out about her death. I couldn't think, I felt just like a empty shell, walking, mechanically detached from all else around me. I saw a guy called Nadir walking past me and responded to the usual without making eye contact trying to avoid conversation and to hide me feelings. I remember feeling like I was going to collapse that day. To my suprise, he stopped me and asked me what's wrong. ... I don't remember much of the exchange, but I remember seeing genuine concern from his eyes. At that time I hardly knew him, i've spoken with him maybe for a total of 2 times before. I remember that he was wearing his blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up, with his black bag across his shoulder. He looked very clean and smart. Like a young entrepreneur.

1. Sagar is engaged. Whoa. I feel dizzy. He has a fiancee now... but confessed his love for me before and how much I hurt him. that's not right, he's getting married, at 19. I don't know what to say. I am not the type of girl who likes ppl like him anymore. I miss who I was when I was with him. He should think of his fiancee, ritika. not me. It's not fair for her, I feel like a villian.

2. Max has a girlfriend now. Finally. She's french and gorgeous. My guts hurt. I don't get y. I am depressed.

What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay
What else should I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

(CHORUS)
In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
I'm married
Buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua, seafoam, shame
Sunburn with freezerburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy
CHORUS

Married
Buried

Yeah(4x)

All in all is all we are(20x)

So how come you never got married? Have you ever been in love?

yes, But I fucked it up.


All I want is for him to kiss me and tell me it's all okay.

I am so cruel. Hurting him hurts me. Maybe I want to see myself hurt. I want to turn ppl who love me against me. How wonderful would that be, now that amber is out of my life to have the only other person I am really close to dissapear so that I am left with no one. wouldn't that be nice?


"fine, it's all my fault! everything is my fault. is that what you want to hear??"
Another false appology. Refer to a couple entries ago.