Despite of all the things that might never work between us... I never want us to stop talking to each other. Why? Because it would break my heart to never see or talk to you again. Because it would make me cry.

... and you once told me that you would never want to intentionally want to make me cry.

Sometimes I think it's my imagination that things are changing because the change to gradually... but they do change.

Before: when he missed me msg on msn:

Salut, chère demoiselle au sourire qui tue, je voulais juste te dire bonjour
et m'excuser de ne pas t'avoir répondu hier. J'étais entrain de regarder un
film et quand j'ai trouvé ton message, tu étais déjà partie
({)
Bye

 

after....

I call

I email

I write

... nothing.

what if you had many friends, but the most you would rank in importance to any of them is second (if you were lucky)?

I checked to confirm my departure date back to singapore. It's the 3rd instead of the 4th. I feel an immense sense of loss. Although I am pretty much prepared to leave. It's just that I feel like that day that was taken from me would have allowed me to better wrap up lose ends. I don't know when I'll see these ppl again. Another good bye.

 

Goodbye America.

with so many things unsaid I leave

no expectations now. Just learn to stop hoping for the imprabable. And see things for what they are.

You'll see, this is me, being faithful in my own way.

I will live honourably in my own way. When the chance comes, I'll fight for what I want, and I'll get it.

I've grown so much. Can't wait for the past to see me as I am now. I hope you are all proud of me.

Take care.

I love you. I do. if we captured those 8 months and framed them... I'd love you forever. I smile because I will be brave, I won't be afraid of all this falling apart, because I know that feelings might fade, which is out of our control... but these memories stay with us forever. in our darkest times we can still remember to look back at the moments that we treasure on rainy days and find sunshine.

 

 

this is an entry that I wrote on the first day of school in Gr. 12, still as a highschool student. It's interesting to look at how my life has changed and how my perspective on life has also changed.

 

Sept 3, 2002

Today is the first "day" of school. My schedule for this semester consists of mainly grade 11 courses. I need to change my schedule soon. I have Mr. Nickel for block A english 12. He seems really nice. I remember that I had him for music in grade 8 for a couple of days, then I dropped that course for art. For block B I have Mrs. Danechek? She wasn't here for the begining of the class so this really weird sub took attendance. . I also had Mrs. Danecek for CaP in grade 8. She's the kind of tacher who's really nice to goody-goods but is so mean to troule makers. She should be pretty easy. I remember that as long as you do your work, she'll give you an 100%. Then I have bio 11 with Ms. Hatton... had her for math in grade 9... don't like her that much. I met a gril called Amber in that class, she also has english with me. She started going to PM in the second semester of last year. She seems pretty nice, but really shy. I like her, I think we are going to become really good friends. Finally for block D I have chem 11 with Mr. Sahota, I am going to change that course as long as I get to see a counselor. I met another girl who also has english with me in that class. It's too bad I forgot her name.

 

the block orders for this year are really confusing, I don't know whether I can remember the pattern or not. I am lucky that i got one of the newer-looking top lockers. My locker's upstairs by the den so it's really far from all my classes. What I don't like about my english class is that it's so small, dark and the esks are just boards attatched to the arm of each chair.

 

Tomorrow will be the first full day of school. I'm so scared that I won't get straight A's and won't be able to get into UBC. I'm scared that this year might be harder than last year. I am afraid that I might not be able to make lots of friends or not getting the credits that I deserve for the courses that I took last year or not being able to change the courses to the ones that I want...

 

8:30pm

Danny is lonely
Mary's in India now
She said she'd call but that was three weeks ago
She left all her things well, her books and her letters from him
But as the sun rises on Mary sets on him
And just dance, and just drink
And just see the things I probably never get the chance to see
Danny's not eating, he's drinking and sleeping
I saw him last night at party, he's definitely thin
He says he's happy, look pretty good
But I think
That as the sun rises on Mary sets on him
And just dance, and just drink
And just see the things I probably never get the chance to say
Danny came over last night and I cooked for him
He talked about you Mary and how much we loved you still
He told me he's packed up your books and your letters and things
But as the sun sets on Mary, it's rising on him
And we danced, and we drank
And I've seen something you probably never got the chance to see
Don't worry, Mary
Cause I'm taking care of Danny
And he's taking care of me


{like this song, but it's not exaggerate.}

It's a gorgeous day outside. It's bright and sunny with whisps of white clouds on a crystal blue sky. I don't remember the last time it was this beautiful... or rather I don't remember when the last time I really took notice of weather like this.

I've got is figured out. :) Habibibibibi, we'll be okay. I have my last final exam tomorrow. After that we will have our long over due talk :) I am looking forward to it like it's the best holiday of the year :D:D Talk to you Friday night or saturday morning your time!

Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart

Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start

[every song reminds me of you. I must be in love]

it's been three weeks. I was so sure that this wkend he would contact me. As the weekend comes to an end and still no sigh... he is done with all his exams. I don't know what to think. I don't want to think.

I know I am stubborn, and in a large part this is my fault. But I want to be the person that makes it worth it for him to still love me if it's my fault. I want to be someone who is worth it for him to phone me back after I have hung up. his promise... before I left I hope he remembers.

I know I should be the one to resolve this... but I just want to see whether I am worth the hardships for him. It's easy when we are together, we love each other and being near each other we are so much more in touch. But sometimes just love is not enough... it doesn't just happen. Now i've learned that love is not a safety chain that holds us together. It takes work, a lot of work. I just want him to talk to me. I don't know what else to say without him thinking that I'm blaming his. He doesn't defend himself, else just try to end the "argument" by him passiveness. As long as we keep communicating we'll be fine, even if he yells at me, blames me, gets mad at me. At least this way I know what he's thinking, what he wants and don't want. I miss him it's true, and all the past times I've given in because I missed him so much. The backfire is my desire to end all the horrible feelings, I hate to argue and fight, but this only results in nothing getting solved. Things are simply discarded as a trade off for peace. This time I want us to untie the knots about our feelings, what we want, our direction. I have manifested my complaint in a bad way, but I hope we make it right from here.

Nadir. I love you. I want this to work, but I don't know what else to do without repeating the past. This is my first serious relationship and it's precious to me. If it wasn't I would just run away, it would have ended on valentines day.

You and I both. lets hold hands.
I want you to do all the things I missed. Like smelling my hair and telling me it smells good. I know that's not possible now, but I want to make it so our situation would be plausible enough for me to imagine that.

PS I bought generic brand everything to save money... but I continued using Herbal Essence Shampoo cuz I like it who you smelled it... when you ran your fingers through it and how your hair smelled after you used it.